How Many Times Am I Going To Start Over?

Every time I start a weight loss plan of action I always seem to start with the best of intentions.  Sometimes sticking to it for several months and seeing great success and other times the momentum stays with me for barely a few weeks.  Well I am now in a place where I need to be more physically fit. I am currently at a Post where we cannot leave the compound except for official travel which is basically your trip home to visit family.  There are two gyms and a pool – all three are open 24hrs a day.  My problem is that there are so many people utilizing them that are physically super fit (the ones that have muscles and six-packs, heck some have eight-packs) that I feel really embarrassed going in there to jiggle my fat on a machine – all 280lbs of me.  I know that they are probably concerned with themselves only, but I have such a veil of embarrassment because of my size (the regular self-hate of letting myself get this big) that I of course think that they are all staring at me.

In other news I joined the “100 Day Challenge” at work.  I weighed in last week at 280lbs – which means that over two months since I last weighed myself I managed to lose 5lbs.  Pretty good I think.  However, when I went in for my first weigh-in after a week on the challenge I was still 280lbs.  That’s good in that I didn’t gain any weight, but frustrating.  I have also been dealing with the ‘Baghdad Crud’ which I think has been hampering my attempts at eating better this past week – having a delightful bronchial cough with oodles of phlegm makes me exceptionally tired.  I am feeling better today so hopefully I will be able to get in a little exercise this evening after work as I do have a little bit more energy.  My official goal set by the challenge leaders (our Health Unit) is to lose 10% of my body weight by the end of the challenge.  I have to lose 28lbs to reach 252lbs.  It seems a bit daunting to me as I have been between 285 and 290lbs for the past two years.  But there is a financial reward for this challenge.  To participate you pay $30 – whoever loses 10% of their body weight gets the pot.  If several people lose 10% then they split the pot by the number of people.  There are 50~ people signed up – typically about half of the people will quit the challenge by the mid-way point so I think that I should at least double my money.  The financial motivation in addition to being lighter is helping me keep focused – ESPECIALLY when I walk past the dessert bar in the cafeteria (the food is free so you can get as much as you want – not good for a food junkie like me, but thankfully there is a small salad bar and some fresh fruit available too).

I drank 100ozs of water yesterday and am going to try to hit that number again today.  I have also been having 8ozs of vanilla soy milk a day to replace the fruit juice I had been having and I have managed to have either a bagel with cream cheese or oatmeal with brown sugar every morning for breakfast so far this week along with one piece of fruit.  Lunch has typically been a Caesar salad with one fried spicy chicken strip and a cup of carrot and celery sticks.  Dinner is usually the same salad and veggie combo with the addition of some boiled eggs.  I am staying clear of the cooked foods because they are either salty, oily, or heavily sauced – some of it is pretty tasty, but very caloric and the servers don’t listen when you ask for a little bit.  I still have problems with not cleaning my plate…makes me feel guilty, especially considering where I am in the world.

Anyway – I am feeling intensely motivated so hopefully I will not have to start over again ever in my life.